Walking Through Grief with Breathing and Meditation
Today, November 13, is the birthday of one of my most beloved angels: Auntie.
Her name was Blossom. She was my dad’s sister, my Godmother, and one of the greatest people I’ve ever known. She passed away suddenly just over 2 years ago and it’s taken me that long to get to the other side of my sadness. It wasn’t until a couple of days ago that I realized I had reached a new place in life with this companion named grief, and I’m sure there’s still more work to do to deal with the havoc it has wreaked on my life.
On the day Auntie had two massive strokes at the end of September 2017, the lives of all who were blessed to know her were changed forever.
This is the third birthday we’ve all had to navigate without Auntie since her passing. It still seems impossible to me that I can’t call her today to wish her a happy birthday and grumble about what I did to make Mother Nature so mad that the high temperature of the day is 35 degrees here in NJ. We’d probably talk about what activities she’d be doing at the senior center this morning and what shows she’d watch while staying cozy later on in the evening. We’d talk about Thanksgiving plans, what I’ll be baking and cooking, and of course Black Friday shopping. I’d tell her how much I love her and feel so blessed by her and she would for sure express how much she loves me and remind me to always put God first. What I wouldn’t give to have that conversation today.
I remember so clearly the first birthday, just weeks after she left us and I felt like I couldn’t breathe the entire day.
My life nearly fell apart that first year after she passed.
I felt like I couldn’t focus at work or at home. I was just going through the motions. I didn’t feel anything but sadness and an overwhelming need to avoid talking about her, talking to her or thinking of her. Or anything else for that matter. I couldn’t function. My companion grief was waging a heavyweight battle and he was winning. Every day I was basically faking it til I made it whenever I was outside the house and when I came home, my family engaged with the shell of who Steff used to be.
Thankfully I have a wonderful family and circle of close friends who brought me out of the darkness.
After that first year, I figured out I had to sit in the grief instead of avoiding it and then learn to navigate my new normal so that I could start showing up for my husband and sons. I couldn’t continue living in the shadows or keeping them at arms length.
Last year, on the second birthday without her, I noticed I could breathe a little easier. I was starting to feel love and laughter again. I was noticing Auntie all around me. Since then, I returned to a regular practice of the breathing and meditation techniques I so frequently taught in an effort to restore balance and control in my life.
What that time focusing on my breath or on nothing at all did was create space in my soul where I felt constricted and closed off.
It opened the door on my grief and let it flow rather than fester. It gave me the strength to meet the grief head on and work my way through it. And most importantly, the time spent on breathing and meditation opened my heart to remembering Auntie. To allow myself to love her and be loved by her even though she’s no longer here.
In this last year, through the work I’ve done on the inside, I’ve begun living my life the way Auntie would have wanted: connected and happy.
I made quality time with my family and friends more of a priority. I began to dream about what I wanted for my career and started pursuing opportunities that align with what my heart is saying. I began to give myself permission to be myself. Not the person I thought people wanted me to be, but who I am... Who she would be proud of.
Today, on the third birthday without Auntie, I feel more happiness than sadness and something new:
a strong sense of gratitude for her life and love.
I am finally celebrating Auntie as she deserves. I found myself excited to wake up today to honor her. To exercise, take care of my husband and sons, work hard, connect with my family members, eat delicious food, smile and laugh, watch some trashy TV shows - so many of the things she loved to do.
