Racial Trauma and Self-Awareness
Over the course of shelter-in-place, my emotional, physical, and mental health have been challenged and my ability to take good care of myself has been put to the test, to say the least.
Most recently, in the racial justice movement sparked by the death of George Floyd and Amy Cooper’s phone call to police, I feel as though I’ve donned a weighted vest as I begin to find my way through the racial tension while still reeling from the effects of COVID-19. As a result, I have leaned way into my self-care practices to ensure I do not spiral out of control from all of the feelings I’m processing. The way I engage in self-love has shifted, with a greater focus on myself now and adjusting my actions based on my needs for the day.
This unprecedented time has been challenging me in so many ways (to be dissected in more blogs to come, I promise) and I have kept in mind that my self-care needs to be on point so I can show up in life fully and completely (or as best as possible!). I am still making prayer, eating well, exercise, and adequate sleep priorities every day. These are my non-negotiables. But surprisingly, another practice has emerged as a game changer. My number one self-care tool these days may come as a surprise to you, especially for those of you who know me as the loud, energetic instructor that roots you on during fitness classes. It’s: SITTING QUIETLY.
I actually enjoy time to myself, which really translates to being alone doing what I want (ahem, baby of the family probs). Years ago, when I first started purposefully engaging in quiet time, it would often be while doing something by myself just not engaged in conversation (on the phone or even texting) and without noise. Typically journaling, walking, doing yoga, or reading. And while these are all great forms of quiet time, they are actions spent focused on something external and fall more into the category of ME time. Quiet time is something different altogether. It’s spending time with your attention on yourself and is of great importance.
Time spent either focusing inward or on just being in your space are integral to self-awareness.
During these periods, people may focus on noticing their breath, or taking deep breaths, or noticing their energy, or trouble-shooting an issue, or simply just being present. And when unrelated thoughts, distractions, or memories slide into consciousness, nothing is done with them and they’re not pushed away. Rather, those things are given the space to exist and the attention is brought back to the focus. Yes, it is easier said than done, but that’s why it’s called a practice.
It is important to cultivate the skill to be in the presence of your feelings and memories and still be able to function in a state of harmony WITH YOURSELF.
Our present moment is made up of so many different factors that often happened in the past or have yet to happen in the future. Time spent sitting quietly allows us to be in the right now. And it’s is also paramount for allowing the brain to rest and not go into overdrive. Quiet time is integral in ensuring you are at your best in thought, word, and action.
Unfortunately, turning inward can be a tough practice for those who experience memories of trauma when they turn towards their thoughts and feelings. In those cases, sitting quietly in a place where you feel safe and focusing on simply being in that space is a great alternative (and a great practice in general for anyone not suffering from trauma).
For those of us suffering from racial trauma, turning inward toward our feelings or learning to sit quietly in a safe space and just being there is PARAMOUNT to our healing.
I have experienced so much racism, discrimination, inequality, tokenism, and microaggressions throughout my life. And while I cannot claim to know what my Black family, friends, and everyone else in the community experience day to day, I do know it is worse than my own. This country was built on the backs of their ancestors and designed to ensure they would always be behind in the game of life. As a result, I will continue to amplify my voice in the #blacklivesmatter movement, educate white people on what white privilege looks like, and teach self-care and mindfulness practices that are important for all, and specifically for people of color in order to continue this fight for social justice, especially for the Black community.
I’ll be honest, though, I am struggling these days to process my feelings and dealing with emotions from my own racial trauma bubbling up to the surface.
Some of this is years old, some is from the past couple of weeks, and others from somewhere in between. Sadly, it wasn’t until so many people across our nation and the world spoke up about the unfair treatment of Black citizens in America and shined a light on all of the levels of racism that I became aware of how much was pent up inside me.
The social unrest, the protests, the acknowledgement of the unfair treatment of Black lives, the ridiculous fighting about who is right and who is wrong is all beginning to chip away at the walls I put up around my own experience with racism. For years, I had to ignore the words and actions of racist people, people who are biased, and people ignorant of their microaggressive ways. I had to continually stuff down my anger and helplessness as a result of my experiences and those of people I loved, otherwise I would have had few friends (growing up in a mostly white town) and quit nearly every job I had (since most of my supervisors and coworkers have been white, inevitably I come across one person that subscribes to this type of behavior). I had to push all this aside to survive and get ahead in white America.
Now, I am being forced… or called??... to take a hard look inside myself and deal with these emotions. I have to heighten my awareness of the toll all of has taken on me. I have to become aware of how I've conditioned myself to the despicable acts and the ones that were well-intentioned but hurtful nonetheless. And I have to undo it ALL. I have to stop grinning and bearing it and instead call it out and do something about it. But first, the change starts with me. Inside me.
As a result, every time I feel overwhelmed by my memories, thoughts, and emotions, or the words or actions of others, or social media, or worries about the future (will this ever actually change?), I stop. I walk away. I find a quiet place to go and most importantly, I find a quiet place within myself to be.
Many disagree with me saying I shouldn’t stop. That I need to just keep going, speaking loudly and often, getting educated, and educating. And I get that. Yes, we need to keep the conversation spinning around racism, maintain pressure on the gas pedal in the #blacklivesmatter movement, and continue educating what white privilege and microaggressions look like. But just like your car, computer, and phone can’t run all day without emptying the gas/power tank, you can’t either. Neither can I. Tack on sleepless nights or uneasy rest to all of this and so begins the downward spiral of our health, well-being, and ability to show up day after day with the emotional fortitude this social justice marathon requires. And there is only one ending in this scenario: crash and burn. This, my friends, is no longer an option. Change must happen. And I believe this movement, revolution, whatever you want to call it, is the time people of color have been waiting and praying for.
So here’s my truth:
Taking time to be quiet allows me to AMPLIFY MY VOICE.
Sitting quietly helps me to:
Take a magnifying glass to what’s hidden deep inside
Hear my inner dialogue
Process my emotions
Face my fears and insecurities
Regroup during episodes of rage
Harness anger
Fortify my emotional savings account
Focus my energy
Slow down from spinning out of control
Purposefully act versus react
Take back my power
Be vulnerable
Be teachable
Do hard work that MATTERS
Keep showing up even when I feel hopeless
It can do the same for you.
My friends, I know it may seem small and even silly. Still, I encourage you to spend time throughout the day being quiet. Take some deep breaths or focus on noticing your body in space. Let yourself just be so all the feelings can settle down. Notice which emotions are tied to your ego versus your morals. You may be surprised at what you uncover but do it anyway. And if you become aware of something within you that is more biased than you thought, invite yourself to rise to the challenge to educate yourself and change it. If you realize you are more hurt than it seemed on the surface, give yourself the space to work through it.
Use these quiet times to get focused. Decide what purposeful action looks like. Not just the kind that is the loudest but the kind that deals with the root of the problem. The kind that fortifies you for the marathon ahead. Heighten your self-awareness by developing your ability to sit with yourself in curiosity, accepting what surfaces with openness and even kindness (since a lot of what we’re feeling and realizing isn’t our own fault), and acting with grace. Build the fortitude to see racial justice through. 2020 has been turned upside down for a reason. It is time for all of us to be better and do better. The change starts with you.
Be well,
Steff
